Saturday, July 25, 2009

What's Wrong With Your Face?

Her: "What happened to your nose?"
me: "What happened to my nose? I was born, that's what."

Friday, July 24, 2009

Pumpkin Eater

"Have you ever seen 'Cheaters'?"

I can't tell you why this is funny.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Get Over It

"Y'all are just upset that I fired your homegrown sissy boy, and you need to get over it and move on!"

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Congressional Method

"I believe if it was moved and seconded that we should come to a resolution that three and two make five, we should be entertained with logic and rhetoric, law, history, politics, and mathematics concerning the subject for two whole days, and then we should pass the resolution unanimously in the affirmative."
- John Adams, in a letter to his wife, Abigail
(regarding the tedious nature of the business of Congress)

Ah, the good ol' days when the members of congress did ridiculous things like read the bill they were voting on. Hmm.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Happy Irish

"God invented liquor to keep the Irish from ruling the world."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Exploding Shoes

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining."

Sunday, July 19, 2009

There is a Precident

"Ludwig Boltzmann, who spent much of his life studying statistical mechanics, died in 1906, by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on the work, died similarly in 1933. Not it is our turn to study statistical mechanics."

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Spell Check

I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea
I've run this poem threw it
I'm sure your pleased too no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

- Pennye Harper

Friday, July 17, 2009

A Look Inside

I wish I could see inside your brain...

I imagine a tiny fractory that produces nothing but random thoughts.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Who Are You?

"On Maury, I've always wanted the joke to be on the kid: 'You're NOT the father and YOU'RE not the mother! Send this thing to the orphanage.'"

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Musical Ability

"I don't sing. I don't play guitar. Shoot, I don't even play iPod."

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Friday, July 10, 2009

Should You Really Eat That?

"If you eat that junk, it's going to clog up your arteries."

"My granddaddy lived to be 96 years old."

"Eating junk like that?"

"No, by minding his own business."

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Are You Sure?

"I am certain there is too much certainty in the world."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

That's Smokin'

Claiming to be "95 percent cured," President Obama admitted he still occasionally smokes a cigarette. What do you think?
"That sends such a terrible message to our children. Although it does send a pretty cool message to our smokers."

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

YP Math

"Fifteen will get you twenty."

Funny, but I'm pretty sure all that one guy got was probation.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Be Specific

In the teen Sunday School class, it was casually mentioned that the Bible says "Thou shall not murder." Astutely, Taylor says,

"What if it's manslaughter!?"

That comment totally put the laughter back in manslaughter.