Thursday, June 25, 2009

Just Forget 25 Years

"I prefer to think that the real Michael Jackson died in 1984. I don't know who this guy is that died today."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jon & Kate + 8

"Jon and Kate, plus eight equals...who cares?"

Monday, June 22, 2009

Freaky Village

"By the way, The Village is a weird movie to fool around to."

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day, Brad Pitt!

"Brad Pitt donated one million dollars to a Missouri hospital. Pitt raised the money by asking each of his children to donate one dollar."

Saturday, June 20, 2009

National Budget

Sure you can divide by 0:


0 x 1 = 0

0 x 2 = 0


0 x 1 = 0 x 2


0/0 x 1 = 0/0 x 2

That simplified, yields:
1 = 2

Which is the basis for the national budget.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Shape of You

"It's just that, well, she would look a lot better if she was shaped, uh, more like, um, a human."

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Reconstructive Makeup

"No amount of makeup will ever hide the fact that your face is shaped funny. Sorry."

Monday, June 8, 2009

Equality Pushups

"When a man does a push-up, he does it right. Not like that girlie crap women always do. That's why a man earns a dollar and a woman earns seventy-nine cents."

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Ostriches v. Fractions

"It's like trying to decide if ostriches are good or bad in comparison to fractions; the only real conclusion I'm comfortable making is it's just different."

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Go Missing

"Some days all I want is to be a missing person."

Monday, June 1, 2009

Just a Little

"You may have noticed, but I'm a little messed up."