Saturday, February 28, 2009

Giving Birth

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
Sam Levenson

Friday, February 27, 2009

Reasonable or Jerk?

"Most people assume the fights are going to be the left versus the right, but it always is the reasonable versus the jerks."
Jimmy Wales

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Looking For Trouble

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy."
Ernest Benn

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Knocked Down - But I Get Up Again

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do."
Confucius

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Just Do It

"To see what is right and not to do it is want of courage."
Confucius

Monday, February 23, 2009

Mean Teachers

"My teachers were always putting me down. 'You're ugly! You're stupid!' And I was home schooled!"

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Fine Wine

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Life's Tough

"He got put in the girls' dorm. He wanted to stay, but they wouldn't let him."

Friday, February 20, 2009

Stolen Identity

"Somebody stole my identity once. They realized their mistake and gave it back."

Thursday, February 19, 2009

If Only

"If maids were paid more than minimum wage, and if the tips were a little better, I would have actually cleaned your toilet instead of simply flushing it."

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Falling Heroes

"Elvis is dead, Sinatra is dead, and me I feel also not so good."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Awesome and Lucky

"That requires that you be both awesome and lucky, and I am neither!"

Monday, February 16, 2009

Drinking Games

Kid, asking for a second round of water: "I love to drink!"
Father, providing second round of water: "Me, too."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Ben Stein and Glenn Beck

"It looks like you're smoking a cigarette."
"No, it's a joint."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Life-Long Love

"I've been in love with the same woman for fifteen years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!"

Friday, February 13, 2009

Real Loving

"The only time he shows her any real loving is when he takes her to a drive-in movie and lets her look in other cars."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Eternity's Purpose

"Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German."
- Mark Twain

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

You're Fired!

"He was fired with enthusiasm because he wasn't fired with enthusiasm."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Weather Complaint

"...the temperature range of the season changes from hellish to super-hellish."
- Alan Boss

Monday, February 9, 2009

Sweet Mother

"Sweet mother of Ron Burgundy!"

That may be more offensive than yesterday's.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Crazy Savior

"That crazy Jesus!"

She meant it in the best possible way, I'm sure.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

No More Burgers

"PETA's veggie ads are locked out, while ads for fried chicken and burgers are allowed, even though these foods make Americans fat, sick and boring in bed."
- PETA

Friday, February 6, 2009

Uhhhh....

"If you were gay, and if I were gay, I wouldn't have the nerve to ask you out."

WHAT!? That could be more disturbing, but I have no idea how.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

VP Talk

"There is no law against obscene language by a Vice President on the Senate floor."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Nobody Likes You

"Realize you may not be the most popular guy on the planet. Come to terms with this realization. Own it."

Monday, February 2, 2009

Truth of Politics

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
- sited on a septic tank truck

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Life Changing

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett