Saturday, January 31, 2009

BONUS: This Blog's For You, Jean

A Bonus Quote
"He leaned into that ball!"
"How could he lean into it? It hit him in the rear!"
"Where there is a will, there is a way!"

History!

"More than a million people attended Barack Obama's inauguration. Fourteen of them missed work."

Friday, January 30, 2009

Shannon Sharpe on Ray Buchanan

"Tell Ray to put the eyeliner, the lipstick and the high heels away. I'm not saying he's a cross-dresser, that's just what I heard."
-Shannon Sharpe, 1999

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ballet Therapy

"There's a reason I'm not a therapist! Or a ballerina. But not the same reason."
- Shawna Rushing

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Better

"It's fun to be competitive when you're better than everybody else."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Learning German

"My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it."
- Mark Twain

Monday, January 26, 2009

Illusionary Life

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Philosopher

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
- Socrates

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Friday, January 23, 2009

How You're Raised

"So infidelity runs in the family?"

I guess I never thought of it that way before.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Question

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Unfair

"Life isn't fair. That's why they make different bra sizes."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Well, Duh.

"You can't go basing your life on what some woman wants. I mean, she doesn't know."

Monday, January 19, 2009

Chinese Netherlands

"This Chinese proverb brings luck. It originated from The Netherlands."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Abstinence

"Abstinence. It's not easy, but neither are you."

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Miracle Pilot?

"A former fighter pilot is being hailed as a hero after landing his plane safely in a river. Maybe we should re-evaluate that. He lost a dogfight with a goose."

Friday, January 16, 2009

Saved

"The guy is still a total freak--God didn't save him from that."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

El Burro

"Más personas son matadas por burros que por choques de aviones."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

You've Met Them...

"I have to be sure to cross my eyes and dot my T's with these people."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Memories

Okay, so, this one I wrote, back in the day. Ah, the memories...

To Whom It May Concern:

This employee is incapable of walking on water. He doesn't know how to turn water into wine. If you kill him, he will not--I repeat, he will not--return in three days. Please keep that in mind.

Thank you.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem

I Love My Job!

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often, though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again -
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!

I sure wish I'd made that up myself.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Forward Thinking

"Maybe it's time we live like there is a tomorrow."

Whoa.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Comcast

"In case you didn't know, you're ruining my life!"

Thursday, January 8, 2009

First Date

"Bowling is always a fun, flirty first date. You get to see a lot of back side, right?"

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Vomit

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly."
Proverbs 26:11

Monday, January 5, 2009

Dressed to Impress

"She's excited about her new low-cut dress--in fact, she can hardly contain herself."

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Friday, January 2, 2009

Survivor

"You take one look at him, and wonder whether there were any other survivors."

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Interesting

"I know you think you're interesting because you have an accent, but a drunken slur is not an accent!"