Sunday, September 13, 2009

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Call Me

"When you're ready to compromise, call me."

Friday, September 11, 2009

Time

"Time is a great teacher. It also happens to kill each of its students."

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Oldest Professions

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
Ronald Reagan

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Can't You Tell???

"Don't I look like I've lost weight? I haven't."

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Caustic Sarcastic

"I've been violently hemorrhaging sarcasm ever since I learned the skill."

Monday, September 7, 2009

Manners, Please

"The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any."

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Lessons Learned

"Don’t turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season."

Saturday, September 5, 2009

White Folks = Mess

"We used to call it ragtime, then blues, then jazz. Now, it’s swing. Ha! Ha! White folks yo’all sho is a mess. Ha! Ha! Swing!"

Louis Armstrong (to Bing Crosby)

Friday, September 4, 2009

Public Service

"The public has always expected me to be a playboy, and a decent chap never lets his public down."

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Shut It

"Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Incredible!

"I thought the Hulk was coming for me. In slow mo."

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Happiness

"I want you to be happy, so long as it's with someone else."

Monday, August 31, 2009

The Browns QB Myth

"Well, with Week 1 fast approaching the Browns still have two quarterbacks vying for the starting job, which means, of course, they have no quarterback."

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Newspapers are Stupid - X

"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"

There's the solution for Rockford, Mayor Morrissey!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Friday, August 28, 2009

Newspapers are Stupid - VIII

"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"

That's not very nice.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Newspapers are Stupid - VII

"Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"

I guess it could have been a double suicide?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Newspapers are Stupid - VI

"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"

Wet weather linked to rain...
Solar activity linked to sun...
Stupid people linked to low IQ...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Newspapers are Stupid - V

"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"

Umm, yeah?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Newspapers are Stupid - IV

"War Dims Hope for Peace"

That tends to be how these things work, I guess.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Newspapers are Stupid - III

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"

What if he's innocent?

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Friday, August 21, 2009

Newspapers are Stupid - I

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"

The crashing part?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Stupid Government

"Government: if you think the problems we create are bad, just wait til you see our solutions."

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wow.

"My wife doesn't like to do the things that I like to do on the weekends!"
"Like what?"
"Like going out and picking up chicks!"

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My Problem

"The single largest problem in my life is that not everyone sees me the way Jenny does."

Monday, August 17, 2009

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Oh, Megan.

"She's got a beautiful body. No talent, though."

Hey, I don't make this stuff up. I just repeat it.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Not a Lawyer

"I'm not a lawyer, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once."

Friday, August 14, 2009

Slumming It

"I mean you just wanna have your fling with like the guy from the other side of town. Then you're going to go off to Stanford, you're going to marry some rich prick who your parents will approve of and just sit around with the other trust fund babies and talk about how you went slumming too, once."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Shove It

"Stick them where solar radiation is unlikely to penetrate."

Such an articulate way to say the same thing in a new way. :)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Tag Team?

"The government should neither recognize nor deny marriage, partnerships, or tag team wrestling duos."

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Vince Young

"Future Hall of Famers usually know when they'll start again."

Monday, August 10, 2009

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I Knew That

"The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance -- it is the illusion of knowledge."

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Big Government

"A government big enough to give you everything you need is powerful enough to take everything you have."
-- Thomas Jefferson

I'm pretty sure we are way past that.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Correct

"Political correctness is tyranny with manners."

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Equality

"All men are created equal, but some are created more equal than others."

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A Ruined Reputation

"That's ok, my opinion of you was never really that high."

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Failure to Communicate

"Borrowed a tv, they said I stole it. It was a big mess."

Monday, August 3, 2009

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Relief!

"I'll ponder this conversation and send you all of the solutions in 3-6 weeks."

Saturday, July 25, 2009

What's Wrong With Your Face?

Her: "What happened to your nose?"
me: "What happened to my nose? I was born, that's what."

Friday, July 24, 2009

Pumpkin Eater

"Have you ever seen 'Cheaters'?"

I can't tell you why this is funny.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Get Over It

"Y'all are just upset that I fired your homegrown sissy boy, and you need to get over it and move on!"

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Congressional Method

"I believe if it was moved and seconded that we should come to a resolution that three and two make five, we should be entertained with logic and rhetoric, law, history, politics, and mathematics concerning the subject for two whole days, and then we should pass the resolution unanimously in the affirmative."
- John Adams, in a letter to his wife, Abigail
(regarding the tedious nature of the business of Congress)

Ah, the good ol' days when the members of congress did ridiculous things like read the bill they were voting on. Hmm.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Happy Irish

"God invented liquor to keep the Irish from ruling the world."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Exploding Shoes

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining."

Sunday, July 19, 2009

There is a Precident

"Ludwig Boltzmann, who spent much of his life studying statistical mechanics, died in 1906, by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on the work, died similarly in 1933. Not it is our turn to study statistical mechanics."

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Spell Check

I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea
I've run this poem threw it
I'm sure your pleased too no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

- Pennye Harper

Friday, July 17, 2009

A Look Inside

I wish I could see inside your brain...

I imagine a tiny fractory that produces nothing but random thoughts.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Who Are You?

"On Maury, I've always wanted the joke to be on the kid: 'You're NOT the father and YOU'RE not the mother! Send this thing to the orphanage.'"

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Musical Ability

"I don't sing. I don't play guitar. Shoot, I don't even play iPod."

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Friday, July 10, 2009

Should You Really Eat That?

"If you eat that junk, it's going to clog up your arteries."

"My granddaddy lived to be 96 years old."

"Eating junk like that?"

"No, by minding his own business."

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Are You Sure?

"I am certain there is too much certainty in the world."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

That's Smokin'

Claiming to be "95 percent cured," President Obama admitted he still occasionally smokes a cigarette. What do you think?
"That sends such a terrible message to our children. Although it does send a pretty cool message to our smokers."

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

YP Math

"Fifteen will get you twenty."

Funny, but I'm pretty sure all that one guy got was probation.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Be Specific

In the teen Sunday School class, it was casually mentioned that the Bible says "Thou shall not murder." Astutely, Taylor says,

"What if it's manslaughter!?"

That comment totally put the laughter back in manslaughter.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Just Forget 25 Years

"I prefer to think that the real Michael Jackson died in 1984. I don't know who this guy is that died today."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jon & Kate + 8

"Jon and Kate, plus eight equals...who cares?"

Monday, June 22, 2009

Freaky Village

"By the way, The Village is a weird movie to fool around to."

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day, Brad Pitt!

"Brad Pitt donated one million dollars to a Missouri hospital. Pitt raised the money by asking each of his children to donate one dollar."

Saturday, June 20, 2009

National Budget

Sure you can divide by 0:

If:

0 x 1 = 0

0 x 2 = 0

Then,

0 x 1 = 0 x 2

And

0/0 x 1 = 0/0 x 2

That simplified, yields:
1 = 2

Which is the basis for the national budget.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Shape of You

"It's just that, well, she would look a lot better if she was shaped, uh, more like, um, a human."

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Reconstructive Makeup

"No amount of makeup will ever hide the fact that your face is shaped funny. Sorry."

Monday, June 8, 2009

Equality Pushups

"When a man does a push-up, he does it right. Not like that girlie crap women always do. That's why a man earns a dollar and a woman earns seventy-nine cents."

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Ostriches v. Fractions


"It's like trying to decide if ostriches are good or bad in comparison to fractions; the only real conclusion I'm comfortable making is it's just different."
http://bombadee.blogspot.com

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Go Missing

"Some days all I want is to be a missing person."

Monday, June 1, 2009

Just a Little

"You may have noticed, but I'm a little messed up."

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Ouch.

"You're not worth anything."
- my mother!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Pondering Retirment

"It's true, Favre has been pondering retirement, as far as I can tell, since he was drafted. He's in, he's out, he's in, he's out — I can't tell if he wants to play football or do the hokey pokey. Boxers are losing patience with him."
- Michael Rosenberg @ FoxSports.com

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Boldly Go...

"The new Star Trek is flipping awesome. Boldly go to the cinema now... or at some point."

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Blind Dates

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

I'm sorry, but that was hilarious.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Star Trek

"'Star Trek' is Klingon for 'You are never going to get laid.'"

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Binding

"In the printing world, 'binding' isn't nearly as fun as it is in the rest of the world. Oh, well."

Monday, May 4, 2009

Trouble Ticket

"She is a trouble ticket that will never be closed."

This is how IT guys talk about chicks.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Disconnect

"Well, he was a nice young man. I wonder if he's a terrorist."

Sunday, March 29, 2009

French Idiots

"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."
- Mark Twain

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Life After German

"I don't speak German well but several experts have assured me that I write it like an angel. Maybe so, maybe so- I don't know. I've not yet made any acquaintances among the angels. That comes later, whenever it please the Deity. I'm not in any hurry."
-Mark Twain

Monday, March 2, 2009

Trust

"I'm not saying the entire industry is a scam. I'm just saying the only person in the industry that I trust is me!"

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Giving Birth

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
Sam Levenson

Friday, February 27, 2009

Reasonable or Jerk?

"Most people assume the fights are going to be the left versus the right, but it always is the reasonable versus the jerks."
Jimmy Wales

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Looking For Trouble

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy."
Ernest Benn

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Knocked Down - But I Get Up Again

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do."
Confucius

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Just Do It

"To see what is right and not to do it is want of courage."
Confucius

Monday, February 23, 2009

Mean Teachers

"My teachers were always putting me down. 'You're ugly! You're stupid!' And I was home schooled!"

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Fine Wine

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Life's Tough

"He got put in the girls' dorm. He wanted to stay, but they wouldn't let him."

Friday, February 20, 2009

Stolen Identity

"Somebody stole my identity once. They realized their mistake and gave it back."

Thursday, February 19, 2009

If Only

"If maids were paid more than minimum wage, and if the tips were a little better, I would have actually cleaned your toilet instead of simply flushing it."

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Falling Heroes

"Elvis is dead, Sinatra is dead, and me I feel also not so good."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Awesome and Lucky

"That requires that you be both awesome and lucky, and I am neither!"

Monday, February 16, 2009

Drinking Games

Kid, asking for a second round of water: "I love to drink!"
Father, providing second round of water: "Me, too."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Ben Stein and Glenn Beck

"It looks like you're smoking a cigarette."
"No, it's a joint."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Life-Long Love

"I've been in love with the same woman for fifteen years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!"

Friday, February 13, 2009

Real Loving

"The only time he shows her any real loving is when he takes her to a drive-in movie and lets her look in other cars."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Eternity's Purpose

"Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German."
- Mark Twain

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

You're Fired!

"He was fired with enthusiasm because he wasn't fired with enthusiasm."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Weather Complaint

"...the temperature range of the season changes from hellish to super-hellish."
- Alan Boss

Monday, February 9, 2009

Sweet Mother

"Sweet mother of Ron Burgundy!"

That may be more offensive than yesterday's.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Crazy Savior

"That crazy Jesus!"

She meant it in the best possible way, I'm sure.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

No More Burgers

"PETA's veggie ads are locked out, while ads for fried chicken and burgers are allowed, even though these foods make Americans fat, sick and boring in bed."
- PETA

Friday, February 6, 2009

Uhhhh....

"If you were gay, and if I were gay, I wouldn't have the nerve to ask you out."

WHAT!? That could be more disturbing, but I have no idea how.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

VP Talk

"There is no law against obscene language by a Vice President on the Senate floor."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Nobody Likes You

"Realize you may not be the most popular guy on the planet. Come to terms with this realization. Own it."

Monday, February 2, 2009

Truth of Politics

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
- sited on a septic tank truck

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Life Changing

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett

Saturday, January 31, 2009

BONUS: This Blog's For You, Jean

A Bonus Quote
"He leaned into that ball!"
"How could he lean into it? It hit him in the rear!"
"Where there is a will, there is a way!"

History!

"More than a million people attended Barack Obama's inauguration. Fourteen of them missed work."

Friday, January 30, 2009

Shannon Sharpe on Ray Buchanan

"Tell Ray to put the eyeliner, the lipstick and the high heels away. I'm not saying he's a cross-dresser, that's just what I heard."
-Shannon Sharpe, 1999

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ballet Therapy

"There's a reason I'm not a therapist! Or a ballerina. But not the same reason."
- Shawna Rushing

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Better

"It's fun to be competitive when you're better than everybody else."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Learning German

"My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it."
- Mark Twain

Monday, January 26, 2009

Illusionary Life

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Philosopher

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
- Socrates

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Friday, January 23, 2009

How You're Raised

"So infidelity runs in the family?"

I guess I never thought of it that way before.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Question

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Unfair

"Life isn't fair. That's why they make different bra sizes."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Well, Duh.

"You can't go basing your life on what some woman wants. I mean, she doesn't know."

Monday, January 19, 2009

Chinese Netherlands

"This Chinese proverb brings luck. It originated from The Netherlands."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Abstinence

"Abstinence. It's not easy, but neither are you."

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Miracle Pilot?

"A former fighter pilot is being hailed as a hero after landing his plane safely in a river. Maybe we should re-evaluate that. He lost a dogfight with a goose."

Friday, January 16, 2009

Saved

"The guy is still a total freak--God didn't save him from that."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

El Burro

"Más personas son matadas por burros que por choques de aviones."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

You've Met Them...

"I have to be sure to cross my eyes and dot my T's with these people."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Memories

Okay, so, this one I wrote, back in the day. Ah, the memories...

To Whom It May Concern:

This employee is incapable of walking on water. He doesn't know how to turn water into wine. If you kill him, he will not--I repeat, he will not--return in three days. Please keep that in mind.

Thank you.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem

I Love My Job!

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often, though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again -
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!

I sure wish I'd made that up myself.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Forward Thinking

"Maybe it's time we live like there is a tomorrow."

Whoa.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Comcast

"In case you didn't know, you're ruining my life!"

Thursday, January 8, 2009

First Date

"Bowling is always a fun, flirty first date. You get to see a lot of back side, right?"

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Vomit

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly."
Proverbs 26:11

Monday, January 5, 2009

Dressed to Impress

"She's excited about her new low-cut dress--in fact, she can hardly contain herself."

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Friday, January 2, 2009

Survivor

"You take one look at him, and wonder whether there were any other survivors."

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Interesting

"I know you think you're interesting because you have an accent, but a drunken slur is not an accent!"