Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Be Yourself

"Someone once told him to be himself. He couldn't have been given worse advice."

Make some New Year's resolutions or something, k?

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Non-Verbal Cues

"She knows how to say things with her torso that other girls waste a lot of time putting into words."

Monday, December 29, 2008

Treating Insomnia

"At bedtime he drinks a pint of whiskey for his bad case of insomnia. He hasn't cured it, but it's making it a pleasure to stay awake."

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Christmas Party

"Sometimes I wish, with my whole heart, that someone at the Christmas party would kick you in the mouth."

Saturday, December 27, 2008


"I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time."

Friday, December 26, 2008

Insane in the Membrane

Yes I'm the pirate pilot of this ship
If I get wit' the ultraviolet dream
Hide from the Red light beam
Now do you believe in the unseen

Thursday, December 25, 2008


"Curses, curses! Somebody always helps that girl. Shoes or no shoes. I'm still great enough to conquer her. And woe to those who try to stop me!"

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


"I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished. Well then, allow me to retort. What does Marsellus Wallace look like?"

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


"Asked whether he has any romantic notions, his wife says sadly, 'Maybe he has notions, but no motions.'"

Monday, December 22, 2008

We Love Kids

"Any child left unattended will be given a free kitten."

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Jack the Bartender

"I don't always speak French very well, but I do speak Danger. Fluently."

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Friday, December 19, 2008

Old Maid

"She's sure to be an old maid. She'll never quit talking long enough for any man to kiss her."

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Know This Guy?

"At a party, he's loudmouthed, egotistical, and obnoxious, but in spite of all that, there's something about him that repels everyone."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


"When his mother-in-law comes to visit, he buys her a jar of vanishing cream."

Monday, December 15, 2008


"Just insert it."

I love that chick. Hahaha.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Christmas Poem

Roses are red-ish,
Violets are blue-ish,
If it wasn't for Christmas,
We'd be Jewish.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Memo From God

"It's frustrating to me that God can do anything but refuses to send a memo to the office. We've got the company's Policies and Procedures Manual, but that's it."

"That's why you have to have your daily conference call with the CEO."

Friday, December 12, 2008

Don't Lie

"I don't believe in hypothetical questions. That's like lying to your brain."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Lead Us, Sir!

"You can count on him to lay down your life for his country."

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Willing to Learn

"She got the job when she wrote on the application blank: 'No bad habits--willing to learn.'"

Monday, December 8, 2008

Mrs. Secretary

"He married his secretary, thinking he'd continue to dictate to her."

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Better or Worse

"They were married for better or for worse. He couldn't have done better and she couldn't have done worse."

Saturday, December 6, 2008


"When he was born, something terrible happened. He lived."

Friday, December 5, 2008

Thursday, December 4, 2008


"He's a simple man of the people--in fact, the simplest."

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


"The louder he protests his honesty, the more firmly you have to clasp your wallet."

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Aging Poorly

"Her once dangerous curves have become extended detours."

Monday, December 1, 2008