Sunday, November 30, 2008

Self-Made Apology

"If he tells you he's a self-made man, just accept his apology and let it go at that."

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Up, In, Out

"Women are amazed at how well he dresses--and how quickly, too!"

Friday, November 28, 2008

Married Life

"When they were dating, he used to hold her and and, ah! it was love. He's still doing it, but oh! it's self-defense."

Thursday, November 27, 2008

A Big Fan

"His greatest admirer is his wife's husband."

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Buy a Shirt

"She doesn't find it difficult to meet men--she exposes herself in the right places."

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Proud Loser

"He has such a low, inferior opinion of himself, he wouldn't join any organization that would take him in as a member."

Monday, November 24, 2008

Conceit

"Even worse, though, is Harrington's general attitude — he's absolutely convinced that he's a much better player than he really is. In fact, Harrington wouldn't be at all surprised if the Hall of Fame waived its eligibility procedures and enshrined him immediately."
Charley Rosen, FoxSports

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Monogamy

"When he accused her of infidelity, she shouted indignantly, 'That's an insult. I've been faithful to you dozens of times!'"

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Recession

"What recession? I refuse to participate."

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hardly Working

"I'm not afraid of hard work. I've fought it successfully for years."

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Blocked!

"Is that your face, or did you block a kick?"

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My Solemn Vow

"I've just broken my pledge to never take another drink. It was the worst afternoon of my life."

Monday, November 17, 2008

Memories

This is for you girls who think guys are only good for back rubs, carrying heavy things, and killing bugs. Enjoy!

"Girls may have trouble remembering his name or face, but they never forget his hands."

You have no idea what you're missing.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Was That a Girl?

"A fellow took her out once and announced to his friends: 'Was that a girl! Was that a girl! That's what everyone kept asking--Was that a girl?'"

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Voodoo Economics

"He's a real success story. He started out with $1,000; now he owes $100,000."

Friday, November 14, 2008

Loyalty

"She's sticking to him through all the trouble he never would have had if he hadn't married her in the first place."

How lovely.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Improvement

"At least he didn't punch me in the face. Not like my last boyfriend did."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Marriage

"He got married because he was tired and she got married because she was curious. They're both disappointed."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Seriously

"'Serious' isn't entirely within my vocabulary. I understand the concept in theory only."

Monday, November 10, 2008

Quality Relationships

"I'm just saying, it would be nice to get to know a girl without it all being about her trying to get into my pants and me trying to get into her wallet. Or vice-versa."

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Brilliant

"You aren't exactly the most observant crayon in the toolshed."

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Grass in Nature

"How many golf courses did Lewis and Clark find?"

Friday, November 7, 2008

What's First?

"What do we get first--the hope or the change?"

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Material Girl

"I never thought of myself as being that materialistic, but, uh, yeah, I totally am."

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

No Reason

"There's never been any reason for you to care about me."

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Persevere

“Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.”

Monday, November 3, 2008

Chicago Baseball

Jason: For some reason, the White Sox always struggle against any team managed by Lou Pinnella.

Me: It's Chicago baseball. They'd probably struggle against any team managed by Ronald McDonald.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Persecuted?

"He said he had been persecuted his whole life for being a Bahai. He didn't seem to mind being persecuted for being an Iranian."

comments regarding a customer whose mail to Iran was intercepted and read--thank you, government--before being allowed to be passed through

Saturday, November 1, 2008

They're Just Girls

"He should be afraid of girls! They pretend to like you and then take all your stuff!"