Sunday, August 31, 2008

Slave to Fashion

"She has to put on a girdle to get into a kimono."

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Milk That

"He's like a cow that goes dry--udder failure."

Friday, August 29, 2008

Evil

"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Bringing People Together

"There are crazy people all over the world...and the internet connects them."

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Dressed to Please

"She wears the kind of bikini that's based on the theory that nothing succeeds like nothing."

Monday, August 25, 2008

Gossip

"Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave."

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Illogical

"She has the kind of intuition that enables her to put two and two together and come up with an answer that suits her."

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Friday, August 22, 2008

A Day in the Life: Part III

"Hut Sweet Hut"
- the sign on the front of the liberal Barack Hussein Obama's brother's 6' x 9' hut (in my imagination)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

True Love?

"This is all fine and good, but quite frankly, when was the last time you hooked up with someone who respected you, much less loved you? High school?"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Shut. Up.

"Is she breathtaking! Every few hours she stops talking and takes a breath."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Weird

"The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, 'I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.'"

Monday, August 18, 2008

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Energy Policy

“It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis - -including both alternatives and drilling. In reality, Paris Hilton may have a more substantive energy policy than Barack Obama.”

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Miracles

"Do not believe in miracles, rely on them."

Friday, August 15, 2008

It Could Be Worse

"At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Peaceful Walks

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Run Like a Chicken

I fled him, down the night and down the days;
I fled him, down the arches of the years;
I fled him, down the labyrinthine ways of my own mind;
And in the mist of tears I hid from him.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Saying The Right Thing

I've reached a new level of lazy with this blogging thing. Anyway:

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

    "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

    "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

    Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

    His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

    Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

If it had been me, I wouldn't have named the characters Jack and Jill. Whatever.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Phone's Ringing!

"Mother nature is calling and it's long distance!"

Friday, August 8, 2008

That's Just Crappy

"I like to poop at work. That way I get paid for it and it doesn't fill my septic tank."

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Engrish

"She is a great public speecher and a wonderful U.S. American."