Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Be Yourself

"Someone once told him to be himself. He couldn't have been given worse advice."

Make some New Year's resolutions or something, k?

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Non-Verbal Cues

"She knows how to say things with her torso that other girls waste a lot of time putting into words."

Monday, December 29, 2008

Treating Insomnia

"At bedtime he drinks a pint of whiskey for his bad case of insomnia. He hasn't cured it, but it's making it a pleasure to stay awake."

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Christmas Party

"Sometimes I wish, with my whole heart, that someone at the Christmas party would kick you in the mouth."

Saturday, December 27, 2008


"I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time."

Friday, December 26, 2008

Insane in the Membrane

Yes I'm the pirate pilot of this ship
If I get wit' the ultraviolet dream
Hide from the Red light beam
Now do you believe in the unseen

Thursday, December 25, 2008


"Curses, curses! Somebody always helps that girl. Shoes or no shoes. I'm still great enough to conquer her. And woe to those who try to stop me!"

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


"I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished. Well then, allow me to retort. What does Marsellus Wallace look like?"

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


"Asked whether he has any romantic notions, his wife says sadly, 'Maybe he has notions, but no motions.'"

Monday, December 22, 2008

We Love Kids

"Any child left unattended will be given a free kitten."

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Jack the Bartender

"I don't always speak French very well, but I do speak Danger. Fluently."

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Friday, December 19, 2008

Old Maid

"She's sure to be an old maid. She'll never quit talking long enough for any man to kiss her."

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Know This Guy?

"At a party, he's loudmouthed, egotistical, and obnoxious, but in spite of all that, there's something about him that repels everyone."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


"When his mother-in-law comes to visit, he buys her a jar of vanishing cream."

Monday, December 15, 2008


"Just insert it."

I love that chick. Hahaha.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Christmas Poem

Roses are red-ish,
Violets are blue-ish,
If it wasn't for Christmas,
We'd be Jewish.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Memo From God

"It's frustrating to me that God can do anything but refuses to send a memo to the office. We've got the company's Policies and Procedures Manual, but that's it."

"That's why you have to have your daily conference call with the CEO."

Friday, December 12, 2008

Don't Lie

"I don't believe in hypothetical questions. That's like lying to your brain."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Lead Us, Sir!

"You can count on him to lay down your life for his country."

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Willing to Learn

"She got the job when she wrote on the application blank: 'No bad habits--willing to learn.'"

Monday, December 8, 2008

Mrs. Secretary

"He married his secretary, thinking he'd continue to dictate to her."

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Better or Worse

"They were married for better or for worse. He couldn't have done better and she couldn't have done worse."

Saturday, December 6, 2008


"When he was born, something terrible happened. He lived."

Friday, December 5, 2008

Thursday, December 4, 2008


"He's a simple man of the people--in fact, the simplest."

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


"The louder he protests his honesty, the more firmly you have to clasp your wallet."

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Aging Poorly

"Her once dangerous curves have become extended detours."

Monday, December 1, 2008

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Self-Made Apology

"If he tells you he's a self-made man, just accept his apology and let it go at that."

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Up, In, Out

"Women are amazed at how well he dresses--and how quickly, too!"

Friday, November 28, 2008

Married Life

"When they were dating, he used to hold her and and, ah! it was love. He's still doing it, but oh! it's self-defense."

Thursday, November 27, 2008

A Big Fan

"His greatest admirer is his wife's husband."

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Buy a Shirt

"She doesn't find it difficult to meet men--she exposes herself in the right places."

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Proud Loser

"He has such a low, inferior opinion of himself, he wouldn't join any organization that would take him in as a member."

Monday, November 24, 2008


"Even worse, though, is Harrington's general attitude — he's absolutely convinced that he's a much better player than he really is. In fact, Harrington wouldn't be at all surprised if the Hall of Fame waived its eligibility procedures and enshrined him immediately."
Charley Rosen, FoxSports

Sunday, November 23, 2008


"When he accused her of infidelity, she shouted indignantly, 'That's an insult. I've been faithful to you dozens of times!'"

Saturday, November 22, 2008


"What recession? I refuse to participate."

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hardly Working

"I'm not afraid of hard work. I've fought it successfully for years."

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


"Is that your face, or did you block a kick?"

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My Solemn Vow

"I've just broken my pledge to never take another drink. It was the worst afternoon of my life."

Monday, November 17, 2008


This is for you girls who think guys are only good for back rubs, carrying heavy things, and killing bugs. Enjoy!

"Girls may have trouble remembering his name or face, but they never forget his hands."

You have no idea what you're missing.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Was That a Girl?

"A fellow took her out once and announced to his friends: 'Was that a girl! Was that a girl! That's what everyone kept asking--Was that a girl?'"

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Voodoo Economics

"He's a real success story. He started out with $1,000; now he owes $100,000."

Friday, November 14, 2008


"She's sticking to him through all the trouble he never would have had if he hadn't married her in the first place."

How lovely.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


"At least he didn't punch me in the face. Not like my last boyfriend did."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


"He got married because he was tired and she got married because she was curious. They're both disappointed."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


"'Serious' isn't entirely within my vocabulary. I understand the concept in theory only."

Monday, November 10, 2008

Quality Relationships

"I'm just saying, it would be nice to get to know a girl without it all being about her trying to get into my pants and me trying to get into her wallet. Or vice-versa."

Sunday, November 9, 2008


"You aren't exactly the most observant crayon in the toolshed."

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Grass in Nature

"How many golf courses did Lewis and Clark find?"

Friday, November 7, 2008

What's First?

"What do we get first--the hope or the change?"

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Material Girl

"I never thought of myself as being that materialistic, but, uh, yeah, I totally am."

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

No Reason

"There's never been any reason for you to care about me."

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


“Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.”

Monday, November 3, 2008

Chicago Baseball

Jason: For some reason, the White Sox always struggle against any team managed by Lou Pinnella.

Me: It's Chicago baseball. They'd probably struggle against any team managed by Ronald McDonald.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


"He said he had been persecuted his whole life for being a Bahai. He didn't seem to mind being persecuted for being an Iranian."

comments regarding a customer whose mail to Iran was intercepted and read--thank you, government--before being allowed to be passed through

Saturday, November 1, 2008

They're Just Girls

"He should be afraid of girls! They pretend to like you and then take all your stuff!"

Thursday, October 30, 2008


"I'm Multi-Talented: I Can Talk and Piss You Off at the Same Time."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Immature Men

"Do you date immature men?"
"Almost exclusively."

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

D.C. Danger Zone

"It's long been said that the most dangerous place in Washington is between a TV camera and Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y."

Monday, October 27, 2008


"They (coyotes) can eat us, you know!"

And, as a special bonus, here's the Quote of the Day from one year ago today. This still cracks me up:

"In case you missed it, a few days ago Senator Clinton tried to spend $1 million on the Woodstock concert museum. Now, my friends, I wasn't there. I'm sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event. I was tied up at the time."
John McCain

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Mike Likes

"You like to squeeze big things into small places."

Friday, October 24, 2008

Doctor Says

"I know your husband has a job, Ms. Cheney, but your husband's heart problem's complicated."

Thursday, October 23, 2008

October 23, 2007

I'm getting lazy. Again, no Quote of the Day today. I'll be sure to fix that. Enjoy the Quote of the Day from one year ago today:

"Nobody really knows what it means...but it's provocative."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

October 22, 2007

Sorry, there is no Quote of the Day for today. But, check out this one from the archives... October 22, 2007:

"Of course there's no reason for it. It's just our policy."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Germans Are Right

"Don't be a Becky."

If they put it in a Routan commercial, it must be true. My apologies to all the Beckys out there who don't deserve that comment--and loads of laughs to all of you that do.

Monday, October 20, 2008


"Hate is a strong word, but not nearly strong enough."

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Thanks, Prof.

"I speech much better thanks to you're class."

Friday, October 17, 2008


"Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father, Jor-el, to save the planet Earth."

- Barack Hussein Obama

Yes, this is a true quote! Here's the Fox News article.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Shut It

"I say a lot of things that I should keep to myself. In fairness to me, though, you should hear the things that I want to say but actually manage to keep to myself."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Mmm, Butterworth

"Nothing personal, but I hope Mr. Butterworth keels over before Mrs. Butterworth, because that Mrs. Butterworth is one sweet chick!"

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

October 14, 2007

Sorry, no Quote of the Day for today. So, here is the Quote of the Day for one year ago today, October 14, 2007:

"He's always concerned about losing face. He shouldn't be--it would be a decided improvement."

Monday, October 13, 2008

Political Parties

"Why do they call them 'political parties'? They're no fun!"

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Football Kisses

"You can put lipstick on a helmet, but it's still a helmet."

Truer words have never been spoken. But, still. That's crazy.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Friday, October 10, 2008


"I will do my best, despite hating each and every one of you."
- Randy, on Survivor before a challenge

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Tacky Yet Unrefined

"I don't know at what age kids learn tact, but I'm looking forward to it."

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Monday, October 6, 2008


"She's had a love seat for three years. Half of it is still new."

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Please Leave

"When he was eight years old, his parents pleaded with him to run away from home."

Saturday, October 4, 2008

A Terrible Mind to Waste

"He thinks twice before he speaks so that he can say something nastier than if he spoke right out."

Friday, October 3, 2008

Silence. PLEASE.

"He speaks eight languages, but can't hold his tongue in one."

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Spine of Steel

"He's not a Yes-man. When the boss says No, he says No."

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


"She detests gossip--but only when it's about her."

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Monday, September 29, 2008

Religious Differences

"If she should ever change her faith, it'll be because she no longer thinks she's god."

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Gold Digger

"She measures a man's love by the carat."

Editor's note.  Due to the popularity of this entry, The Show has assembled the Ultimate Collection of Gold Digger Quotes.  Check it out!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Jabba the Golfer

"He's too fat to play golf. If he puts the ball where he can hit it, he can't see it, and if he puts it where he can see it, he can't hit it."

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Friday, September 12, 2008


"It looks like there's two sheep fighting in her pants!"

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Chicken Lover

"I did that chicken."
I don't know what is harder to believe--that it was said, or that no one even laughed at it.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


"I don't try to be horrible... that's just who I am."
- response to "You're horrible!"

Monday, September 8, 2008

Letter to God

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
- Neil

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Catching Up

"What a small world! Look at you! You're so fat!"

Friday, September 5, 2008

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Modern Business

"He got his principal entirely without principle."

Sorry, that might be a little advanced for those of you in Pecatonica. ;)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Your Full Potential

"What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?"

Monday, September 1, 2008

Two Evils

"This election is like choosing between Herod and Pontius Pilate."

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Slave to Fashion

"She has to put on a girdle to get into a kimono."

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Milk That

"He's like a cow that goes dry--udder failure."

Friday, August 29, 2008


"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Bringing People Together

"There are crazy people all over the world...and the internet connects them."

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Dressed to Please

"She wears the kind of bikini that's based on the theory that nothing succeeds like nothing."

Monday, August 25, 2008


"Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave."

Sunday, August 24, 2008


"She has the kind of intuition that enables her to put two and two together and come up with an answer that suits her."

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Friday, August 22, 2008

A Day in the Life: Part III

"Hut Sweet Hut"
- the sign on the front of the liberal Barack Hussein Obama's brother's 6' x 9' hut (in my imagination)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

True Love?

"This is all fine and good, but quite frankly, when was the last time you hooked up with someone who respected you, much less loved you? High school?"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Shut. Up.

"Is she breathtaking! Every few hours she stops talking and takes a breath."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


"The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, 'I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.'"

Monday, August 18, 2008

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Energy Policy

“It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis - -including both alternatives and drilling. In reality, Paris Hilton may have a more substantive energy policy than Barack Obama.”

Saturday, August 16, 2008


"Do not believe in miracles, rely on them."

Friday, August 15, 2008

It Could Be Worse

"At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Peaceful Walks

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Run Like a Chicken

I fled him, down the night and down the days;
I fled him, down the arches of the years;
I fled him, down the labyrinthine ways of my own mind;
And in the mist of tears I hid from him.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Saying The Right Thing

I've reached a new level of lazy with this blogging thing. Anyway:

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

    "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

    "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

    Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

    His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

    Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

If it had been me, I wouldn't have named the characters Jack and Jill. Whatever.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Phone's Ringing!

"Mother nature is calling and it's long distance!"

Friday, August 8, 2008

That's Just Crappy

"I like to poop at work. That way I get paid for it and it doesn't fill my septic tank."

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


"She is a great public speecher and a wonderful U.S. American."

Friday, July 11, 2008

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Sexy Girls

"Girls that breathe are way more sexy than girls that don't."

Friday, June 27, 2008


"You'll never make me nervous, but you always make me uncomfortable."

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Election Politics

"Sixty per cent of Americans would vote for whichever candidate promised to kill the devil."

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


"When people judge you by your grammar and spelling, let them think no lesser of you for it."

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


"Laziness is the byproduct of a successful risk-benefit analysis."

Monday, June 23, 2008


"Do not concern yourself with what other people think of you; they rarely do."

Friday, June 20, 2008

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Tongue Action

"It's easier to stick my tongue in there than it is to stick that thing in there!"

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Hotel Box

"Why are only crackers staying at the Ritz?"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

See You Later

"I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go."

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Foolish Games

"Yes, of course we're playing my little game."

Monday, June 9, 2008

Early to Bed

"You went to bed early last night--like before two o'clock!"

Thanks for noticing.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Thursday, June 5, 2008


"Wizards want to be him, and witches want to be with him!"
- what Hagrid really said when Harry Potter asked him who Voldemort was

"Witches want to be with him, wizards want to be with him!"
- what Dumbledore really said when Harry Potter asked him who Voldemort was

Monday, May 26, 2008

24 hours

“I’ve only got 24 hours to live, and I’m not gonna spend it here!”
- a fly in A Bug's Life

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Wedding Simile

"Weddings are like automobiles. Pretty much everybody has one or two, but I'm still not convinced it's good for the environment."

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Hooray for College

"My degree enabled me to begin my career path four years later than my peers! Look, I'm still here on the bottom rung! Woooooo! Thanks, college!"

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


"Take my affability and congeniality by faith."
Dr. David Larsen

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

God's Plan

"Mark Jackson told Peter Vecsey that coaching the Knicks was not in God's plan. 'He's looking out for me,' said Jackson. Now it's not for me to question matters divine, but shouldn't God have been paying a little less attention to the Knicks' coaching search and a little more to Myanmar?"

Mark Kriegel,
Not sure I like the tone, but it seems like a fair question.

Monday, May 12, 2008

New York Knicks

"Not only are the Knicks known to shoot themselves in the foot, they often crouch down to get a better aim."
- columnist Brian McGunigle

Thank God for small favors.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Bible Knowledge

"Does anybody know the name of Noah's wife?"
"Uh, Joan of Arc?"

Saturday, May 10, 2008


"Sometimes I wonder, 'Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?' and then it hits me."

Monday, May 5, 2008

It's Right

"Your mother is right! Listen to what it says."
Peter Griffin, The Family Guy, after Lois tells Chris that women aren't objects

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Friday, May 2, 2008

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Alternative Weight Loss

"I lost ten pounds of self-esteem."

    It just goes to show you that solutions are only limited by one's own creativity.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008


"He has a terrific literary reputation; he's in practically every diary in town."

Tuesday, April 29, 2008


"He was born yesterday--Sunday, April 27 at 9:08 am, after 20 minutes (or so) of labor at home. Our midwife almost made it to this one."

Hilarious. Thanks, Val! :)

Monday, April 28, 2008


"I was so excited, I was running around like a head with my chicken cut off!"

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Friday, April 18, 2008


So, here's an interesting take on Jesus selecting Judas as a disciple:

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Below Average

"Remember - half the people you know are below average."

Thanks, Bob.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Sentimental Value

"Sentiment has no value; it's all in your head."

Friday, March 28, 2008

Hope Floats

Seen on a bumper sticker, next to a photo of the liberal Barack Hussein Obama:

"HOPE is not a STRATEGY"

Imagine that. Of course, I'm not convinced that any of these buffoons have any real strategy for dealing with anything; I think they just love the idea of being in charge. Don't worry; they'll get into office and realize that all those employees working under them are actually regular human beings, and they won't accomplish much.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Sunday, March 16, 2008

That's Just Policy

"You're gonna change or I'm gonna leave."
Hank Williams

Saturday, March 15, 2008


"Acting sweetly is how I indulge my theatrical ambitions."

Of course, you already knew that.

Friday, March 7, 2008


"We're a country of great versatility. And confusion."

We're versatile! We're agile! We're confuzzled!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The Wit and Wisdom of H.L. Mencken

"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another."
- H.L. Mencken

"Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them."
- H.L. Mencken

"The only really happy folk are married women and single men."
- H.L. Mencken

Monday, March 3, 2008

Diabolical Common Sense

"the facts...make diabolical common sense."

I don't even know what the heck "diabolical common sense" is. I'm about half done with this book and I'm still waiting for it to get interesting. Look forward to the upcoming garage sale - this book could be yours! I guess I should have expected weirdness from a book with the subtitle "How Original Sin Can Make America a Better Place." Crazy.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Now THAT is an Endorsement

Mike Huckabee, on being endorsed by the Dallas Morning News:

“Let me just say that I think The Dallas Morning News is probably the greatest newspaper in America and everybody ought to get a lifetime subscription.”

Monday, February 25, 2008


"I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome."

Saturday, February 23, 2008

All Things Equal

I taught her everything I know and she still doesn't know anything!”

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Rum is Fum

"Whenever I get a headache, I just drink some rum."
"How much?"
"I just keep drinking until it gives me a headache."

Sunday, February 10, 2008

We Love Bush

This is awesome. Bush, talking to Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday said, "You're the pundit. I'm just a simple president." I think that's Harvard-talk for "screw you."

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Honesty is Harsh

"You gotta find a good man to give you some respect."

There's a couple of ways a person could take that, I suppose. I'm not sure if the guy was admitting that he wasn't a good man, or if he was mocking the kind of man that would respect someone like her. Either way, that sounds like a picture-perfect dysfunctional relationship if I ever heard of one. Good gravy.

In other news, while we're on the subject of dysfunctional relationships, I would just like to say, "Ali." A weekend could be devastating, if you believe all the hype.

Friday, January 18, 2008

a romantic notion and other quotes

"in search of the magnificient blue and mystical television of love..."

And the runner ups...

"I'm all over the place like violent roadkill."

"Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you."

"He can speak for an hour without a note--and without a point."

"God has never made a mistake and certainly won't start with you."