Friday, December 21, 2007

Smart Alec

Her: "What are you trying to say? That I'm fat?"
Him: "What are you trying to say? That you're not?"


Honorable Mention

This conversation could have totally been the Quote of the Day, but the honor has already been taken. It's totally worth sharing anyway.

Me: "Did you see the blog today?"
Future POTUS: "Nope. There is a new one today?"
Me: "Ype. Real good, but short."
Future POTUS: "Yeah, that's what she said!"

Friday, December 7, 2007

Most Believable Drunk Line Ever

"She told me if I took all my clothes off she'd give me a hundred dollars if I took all my clothes off."

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Happy Old Fart

"He's keeping a young mistress. He knows at his age it may be fatal, but he says he doesn't know a better way to die."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

So Easy

"There's nothing complex about her--anyone can grasp her."

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Dating on the Cheap

"Looking at the high prices on the restaurant menu, he says to his date, 'What'll you have, my plump doll?'"

Monday, December 3, 2007

Special Kind of Stupid

"He heard about a movie in which a hunter shot an elephant in his pajamas. He says it's silly--what would an elephant be doing in pajamas?"

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Truth Hurts

Denver Nuggets guard J.R. Smith was asked if he preferred "love" or "money."

"Money. Because love can hurt you. Money never hurts you."

For the love of money.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Ewww

"She's so thin, she could walk through a harp."

Friday, November 30, 2007

Broke

"His wallet is always full of big bills--all unpaid."

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Nice to Meet You

"The next time you'll meet anyone like him, it will have to be in a nightmare."

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Unlucky in Love

"This is his second marriage. He's been unlucky in both--his first wife left him and this one won't."

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Psycho

"He's getting a jacket for his birthday--the strait kind."

Monday, November 26, 2007

Good to be Careful

"He heard that hard work never killed anybody, but he's taking no chances on being its first victim."

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Ouch

"We thought we'd show this so Giants fans could see what a completed pass looks like."

Okay, I might not have gotten that quite right, but that was the jist of it. Anyway, the dig at Eli Manning is what really counts here.

P.S. I liked the Sunday Night Football song better when Pink sang it. BTW, she's got some funny music videos on her web site.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Remember Bin Laden is Still Out There

"Suck it, Osama!"
Martha Stewart (impersonator) on Saturday Night Live

Friday, November 9, 2007

Perfectly Stated

"You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman."
John Eldredge

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Dare Greatly

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly...who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known neither victory nor defeat."
Teddy Roosevelt

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

An Interesting View of Prison

"That's the University where you go with nothing and come out with an Advanced Degree in Methamphetamine."

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Never Say Die

"Old professors never die--they simply lose their faculties. Old preachers never die--they just never reach their conclusion."

Monday, November 5, 2007

Hello Newman

"I've got two minutes to kill, so tell me everything you know."

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Ugh

"He is very class-conscious. He has no class and everyone is conscious of it."

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Idiot

"His trouble is in trying to run large-scale operations with a small-scale mind."

Friday, November 2, 2007

Nice Guy

"He'd cry over your wounds just to get salt in them."

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Stupidity is not a Crime

"If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?"
Will Rogers

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Not What I Meant

"Mashed potatoes with lots of butter with breasts. (Pause.) Mmm, chicken."

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Depression

Blue Hawaiian - Tiki Bar TV

"While depression is not a real condition, it is good comedy."

Runner up:
"There's a reason they call it 'Happy Hour.'"

Monday, October 29, 2007

Somebody Explain This To Me

It somehow seems wrong to have something as the Quote of the Day when I have no clue what it means, but I really want someone to explain to me what it means:

"She has long black hair--and wears long gloves to cover it."

If you have any idea what that means, please drop me a comment. You'll be a hero.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

A True Conservationist

They call her MINER: she makes the most of her natural resources.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Quite Literally Speaking

"In case you missed it, a few days ago Senator Clinton tried to spend $1 million on the Woodstock concert museum. Now, my friends, I wasn't there. I'm sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event. I was tied up at the time."
John McCain

Friday, October 26, 2007

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Philosophy of Ambiguity

This, my friends, is why email was invented:

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: They don`t talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

How Cynical Are You?

"You're a full blown cynic... and probably even skeptical of these results."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

That's Hot

"Nobody really knows what it means...but it's provocative."

Monday, October 22, 2007

Posted

"Of course there's no reason for it. It's just our policy."

Sunday, October 21, 2007

You Know This Is True...

"She scoffs at the idea of going to a psychiatrist. Why should she lie down on a man's couch and then pay him?"

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Meeting Chicks

"I prefer to drive women away by being emotionally distant."
Craig Ferguson, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Friday, October 19, 2007

Horndog

"He always hangs around a woman with a past in the hope that history will repeat itself."

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Sickening.

"He has neglected his friends in his drive to make a name for himself. He'd be surprised to know the name they have for him."

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Good Point

In Newsweek, from an interview with Mike Huckabee:

Dan Bartlett, former counsel to President Bush, recently remarked that you have "obvious problems" as a candidate. These "problems" were your last name, Huckabee, which he apparently thought was flawed in some way, and the fact that you're from Hope, Ark. What is your response?

My last name has never opened doors for me because it's not the name of a prominent, wealthy or heralded political family. But the Bible says that "a GOOD name is more to be desired than great riches." And my name represents the sacrifice, hard work, and old fashioned discipline that my Dad gave me when he didn't have the education, wealth or position to give me anything else. It's a name I wear proudly—not just for myself, but all those who like me have fought their way beyond poverty to live and love the American dream.

A president that isn't named "Clinton" or "Bush"? Jeez, we might get something done.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

A Man's Fairy Tale

I had this email forwarded to me. Priceless.

    One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who, surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and bitch...


    But this was a long time ago... and it was just ONE day.

    The End.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Ouch!

"His father wanted a boy, his mother wanted a girl--and they're both satisfied."

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Ugly Ducky!

"He's always concerned about losing face. He shouldn't be--it would be a decided improvement."

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Ms. Modest

"When complimented on a dress she wears, she says modestly, 'Oh, it's really nothing!' How true."
    I usually don't even comment on the Quote of the Day, but this one is priceless. I used to work with about thirty chicks just like that. Sadly, the chicks who want to dress like that are the ones who have no business even thinking about dressing that way. Oh, well.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Come On Over!

"I'll be glad to have you over to my swimming pool--for a drowning lesson."

Thursday, October 11, 2007

What Happens When You're Too Cerebral?

"He never paws a girl. His hands are too busy hanging on to his wallet."

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Good Life

"I do push-ups three times a day--from my big leather chair for meals."

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I know her! - II

"She lacks only three things to get to the top: talent, ambition, and initiative."

Monday, October 8, 2007

The Most Humble Man

"Listen, baboon, don't accuse me of making a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?"

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Darth Vader Syndrome?

"There must be a lot of good left in him--none of it ever comes out."

Saturday, October 6, 2007

I know her!

"She's a public relations girl. Her biggest job is keeping her relations from becoming public."

Friday, October 5, 2007

Where Have I Lived This Before?

Quote of the Day:

"Rwanda--somebody should tell her that that's not a hotel in Vegas."
Chelsea Handler, "Chelsea Lately," on the The Tonight Show about Paris Hilton going to Rawanda


Runner ups:
"Stand up and flush."
John Larroquette on The Tonight Show

"I love your work, by the way. I like it a real lot."
Chelsea Handler, to John Larroquette, on The Tonight Show (emphasis added)
(By the way, she looks like she's about 45, even though she's really only 32. It's really sad.)

"He's a pill and she's a headache."

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Poor S.O.B.

"He was once shipwrecked on a desert island with his own wife."

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

The Joy of Travel

"He's frank and earnest with women. In Cleveland he's Frank and in Los Angeles he's Earnest."

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Brutal Honesty

"Sounding dumb, looking dumb, being dumb, I do it all - with a certain amount of pride."